There is nothing more personal than what we wear. Yet so many of us are slaves to fashion, almost whether we like it or not. People start to look just like one another, like cloned sheep trying so hard to be different but are anything but. It’s fashion trends that make men look downright ridiculous that will be lampooned here, no doubt making certain fashionistas bristle.
There are as many gay men who are basically clueless as to what they are wearing as there are those who are pitch perfect slaves to fashion. And I for one am sometimes thankful for those amongst us who are not fashionable as too often what passes for ‘fashion’ or ‘trendy’ is just downright regrettable. Let the fashion slaying commence…
First off, skinny jeans, skinny pants, skinny bloody anything! This (lamentably) ongoing fashion trend runs amok amongst many of today’s youth, as well as many gay men and so-called metrosexuals. It’s true that not all men have great legs, but, my word, what is there to be said about any pants or jeans that accentuate that most unsexy part of a man’s body – the lower leg and ankle! There is not a man alive who’s ‘best feature’ is their ankle or lower calves, and yet that is exactly what skinny jeans and pants most accentuate.
To make matters worse, most skinny pant designs these days also feature my second fashion slaying, namely that stunning design feature known as the drooping or ‘flabby’ ass. You know, where the seat of the pants droop to such an extent that they seem to be falling by the second or, better still, make the wearer look like he’s wearing an adult diaper filled to the brim with you-know-what – nice! Now that is a most inviting part of many men’s anatomies – yes, gentlemen, the ass. And what do skinny jeans and pants achieve but to completely obliterate the firmness and delicious curves of many a fine male ass. Unpardonable! Just watch any music video with Bruce Springsteen or any other male rockers of the 1970s and 80s and see those jeans all tight and snug on those pert bums – I defy any gay man to not find those sights majorly erotic! How unlike skinny jeans and pants – all tight and all flabby in all the wrong places.
By extension of those godawful skinny pants and jeans we have too short pants, too short blazers, too short bloody everything. No, and no again! There is nothing – I repeat, nothing – remotely exciting or sexy or even visually appealing about any garment of clothing that basically makes the wearer look like they’re Pee-wee Herman whose clothes shrank overnight. I know the whole ‘manchild’ thing is very in (in itself a trend utterly worthy of much contempt), but seeing any adult man dressed like that just looks silly. It is a fashion trend that should be buried as deep as humanly possible when its time comes. All that’s needed are those upward-ended, pointy little elfin-like shoes that were all the rage about a decade or so ago (Christ, I hated those!) and made every man look like they had just wandered off the set of A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
In fact the whole hipster thing has really run its course, has it not? Because the above are features of many a hipster uniform. You know exactly what look I am talking about, which is why I am not even going to expand on the many features of that very particular, very studied and no doubt very time-consuming look. I for one am bored to death of seeing every third gay male look like one. Talk about the clones of contemporary gaydom. However, I must admit that I have enjoyed many chuckles at the expense of hipsters who try so damn hard to look so hypermasculine that they actually land up looking like total and utter preening queens – love it! Yes, there are delicious ironies to be had in the world of men’s fashion.
So, what should fashion be about? Well, surely it should be about what suits you best, because invariably that should be what makes you feel your best, is it not? And fashion too often doesn’t achieve that, hence the slave to it part. A well-dressed man can be a very sexy thing. What ‘well-dressed’ means is of course highly subjective. Which is all the more reason to make it personal to make it work. In closing, I for one love the irony of these words by the inimitable Oscar Wilde, who said, “Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months”.